Last year in 9th grade, my daughter’s English teacher, Mrs. Thea Burke, had the class read "Romeo and Juliet." Many of us have read it or know of this “love story.” However, Mrs. Burke told me she wanted her students to read it and think “What is love?” and “Is this a healthy relationship?” I apologize now to those of you who have read it and are thinking, “Oh, true love,” but…. ROMEO AND JULIET DID NOT HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP! As a parent, would you want your teenager to fall in love with someone and then try to end their life if they couldn’t be with this person? I’m pretty sure most of us would say, NO!
Given I have two teenagers, this has been on my mind a lot lately — what should my husband and I teach them about romantic relationships. I feel like I’m already behind on this one, simply because they have shown no visible interest in dating. But, if we don’t teach them, who will? Do we want to trust TV, the internet, popular books like "The Summer I Turned Pretty," and/or their equally inexperienced friends to teach them about who we should fall in love with; under what circumstances we should stay in a relationship; or what we should do when in a relationship? Again, I’m saying, and hoping you are saying it too, NO!
Teaching children about healthy romantic relationships actually begins long before their first date. It begins with teaching them how to be good friends—and how to recognize good friends. It further involves teaching them to listen to others, share, be kind — don’t be mean in your actions or words, comfort others when they need comforting, and tell the truth. Further, children need to learn how to respond when someone is treating them unkindly. How do you speak up for yourself? If you speak up for yourself and that doesn’t work, then what do you do — walk, or maybe run, away and/or go tell someone who can help you?
Children learn much of their social behavior by observing others. I encourage parents to find opportunities where their children can be around children who serve as good role models. And, as parents it is vital that we examine our own marriages or partnerships. None of us model healthy relationships perfectly. But our children benefit when they see us treating others with respect, working through disagreements, apologizing when we're wrong and making an effort to strengthen our relationships.
You need to think about what you want to directly communicate to your child about being in a romantic relationship. Again, this is not easy. There are certain topics that will be difficult or maybe even embarrassing to you and your child to discuss, but you need to do it. You also need to develop a relationship with your child where you can have open dialogue and trust. You want your child to come to you and feel that they can share anything with you, and you will listen to them without fear of judgement. You want to communicate to them, “I am always here for you.” You can remind your child that you remember being a teenager and having lots of feelings. Make time to have “dates” with your teenager to create a time and space for open dialogue. In these conversations, you want to teach them some basic tenets of a healthy relationship:
· You should feel respected, safe, and valued.
· Jealousy, controlling behavior and possessiveness are not signs of love.
· Breaking up can be painful, but it is something people can get through.
We can't choose whom our children will fall in love with, and we certainly can't protect them from every broken heart. But we can teach them what love should look like, how they deserve to be treated and when it's time to walk away. And perhaps that's a far more important lesson than any Shakespearean love story.
Dr. Barker coaches parents and teachers to help support children’s emotional growth and development. Learn more at parenttraining.net.
